Several of us seem to be in the same strange place.  We seem to be having trouble getting back into the true swing.  I know this is true of me.  I can rein in my calories like an old pro but I can’t seem to tackle the Optimum Nutrition part.  Still, even when my nutrition is less than perfect it’s still better than it used to be and also better than that of most people.  So, instead of beating myself over it, I thought I’d just go with what I’m doing now and ease into a routine where I can get 100% of my nutrients.  Best not to force myself too much.  Whenever I’ve done that in the past it’s backfired. 

Now for my deep and dark secret.  My confession:  I’m having a love affair with all natural (as though that makes a difference!) creamy peanut butter!  Terrible!  And just the other day Mary was writing about food addictions.  Fortunately, I measure it very VERY carefully and so I’m not shooting my caloric intake into orbit.  I love it with an apple.  I love it with a pluot.  And I love it especially with a banana. 

I’ve been in a terrible mood for the better part of the week.  No - more specifically I’ve been in a bad depressed mood ALL this week except for today and that, I think, is only because I upped the med dose last night.  And too it could be because I’m slightly hormonal.  But today my mood is much better, much more optimistic.  I hate the depression.  I’ll take mania any day!

I’ve decided too that I need to make a plan of action for moving out of the S.E.  If I make a timeline for us to follow and a real game plan than I think moving northward would be all the easier.  I have Burlington, VT in mind. 

Anyone familiar with Burlington?

This summer has been grueling in so far as the heat and avoiding the heat are concerned.  Also, I’ve sadly slipped into a very CR but not ON state these past couple of months.  Very bad.  And I feel it. 

On the up side, I’m glad I took a little break.  I know I’ve mentioned before that I tend to get obsessive and unhappy when I look too closely at what I’m eating and track it the way I’d been tracking it.  Sine about the end of June I’ve been keeping very close track of what I eat calorie wise but I haven’t been using COM.  It’s all been logged by hand.  The funny and interesting thing about this is that you might feelyou’ve drifted away from CRON  but in truth CROn is something that you can’t abandon all together.  I find I’m always aware of what and how much I’m eating.  Nibbling and grazing isn’t overlooked as food that doesn’t count…. I think Robin mentioned the Constant Vigilance.  True.  Ever Vigilant.  The thing is - I’ve got to be a little MORE vigilant with the ON part of the deal.  My veggie intake has been woeful.  So here I am - back on board and also happy that S has enthusiastically decided to join the gym with me!!!

 For breakfast I had 80 cal worth of fat free yogurt and a Pluot - whatever the hell that is …. I have a lunch appointment so I’m planning on spinach salad with tempeh or some such…. and dinner will most likely be veggies (tomatoes because I have HUNDREDS of them) and eggwhite. 

 Glad to be back!

Last night I saw Pan’s Labyrinth which was every bit as fantastic as I heard it would be.  And then I watched a documentary about Margot Fonteyn which was very long and sad in that I had no idea she was so shat upon during her lifetime.  Poor Margot.  Fascinating how the most creative and talented people seem to be cursed with a disastrous private life.

Here’s yesterday’s crunch….

Nutrition Summary for June 23, 2007

Oh and look - I had a dr’s appointment yesterday and found out my BP is 106/66!  Wow! Also - I’m a little better in the fat department today. I don’t avoid fats on purpose, but it does seem I’m chroniclly low. I’ll post the crunch later.

 Anyhow, I’m off again to run a few errands and to go through some favorite junk shops in the area.   Stay cool….

Last night when Scott and I were walking to the Tomato Head for supper we saw a friend of ours sitting at the patio of a bar drinking with a friend.  As we got closer to him and waved hello he said hello to Scott and to me he said:

ARE YOU WITH CHILD?

Am I with child!?!???  Um NO.  I am NOT with child.  And he asked if I was “with child” not just pregnant. But I answered him politely and just said no.  Here’s what I wanted to say:

NO I’M NOT WITH CHILD, I’M JUST A FAT ASS!

But alas I did not say this.  I refrained and instead watched as he squirmed in embarrassment.  Little did he know how much I was squirming with all consuming humiliation and self loathing.  He apologized and back peddled saying, “That style of dress, the high waist, you know…”

Yeah - I know.

When we got to the restaurant I was reduced to tears and took off for the bathroom so I wouldn’t make a scene at the table.   Even when I recovered slightly I felt like I was going to start sobbing any minute the whole time we were there.  Anyhow - I had a spinach salad.  Just a small bowl of spinach with a few shredded carrots.  No dressing except a taste on my fork.  Needless to say at that point I didn’t have a trace of an appetite.  Good I guess. 

Today we’re taking my mom out for her birthday.  Fortunately for me she chose Olive Garden - something I can research on-line.  Looks like I’m having one bowl of Minestrone for 160 calories and a forkfull of birthday cake.  The rest of the day I’ve had my usual yoghurts and apple, strawberry and a few pumpkin seeds but a little less of everything to save room.  I have to admit that I’m pretty hungry but I’m learning to be friends with the hunger pangs.   I’ve learned to treat the hunger as a good sign.  I must be getting somewhere - right? 

 I feel like I’m waxing crazy.  Yes I’m very frustrated - not at this moment and not even today but generally.  And this being the case I have to say that I hope no one is looking at me as a CRON roll model.  I am most certainly not and nor do I want to be.  That’s April’s domain.  I openly admit that I have more than my fair share of food issues - mix that with the bipolar disorder and - well - I’m just not anyone to emulate…. (just in case someone is reading this and getting any ideas).  You know who you are - go read April’s Blog!

But what I’m saying about CRON at this point is that I’m trying as best I can to eat all the right things in the right amount and to weigh and measure…. I do this - really … and I’m very concerned with nutrition, not so much for longevity but because I don’t want to look and feel like crap.  In the past when I got very slim I looked sick and gaunt.  I’m not about that right now.  At the same time though I am definitely putting more emphasis on the weight loss side it.  Also, I have noticed that I feel much better physically and emotionally since I’ve been attempting CRON.  I might not have lost any weight - but I feel better and that counts for something.  I’ve also been enjoying learning about nutrition in general.  It all makes perfect sense. 

So I feel grounded. 

I have to split but here’s yesterday’s crunch:

Nutrition Summary for June 16, 2007

Tennessee is experiencing a pretty bad dry patch.  Apparently it’s the worst dry spell the state has seen in recorded history!  And I can see it in the front garden.  The new plants are looking a little distressed.  Tomorrow I plan to catch up on chores: mowing, getting the car washed (It’s been many months and the dogs of made the inside very dirty), cleaning the bathroom and all those kinds of pesky things.  Two of the dogs could use a bath. 

Then on Monday we’re taing my mom to dinner as it’s her birthday and Sunday we’re going on a good 8 mile hike in the mountains.  Seems fun.  Happy Weekend!

 Today will be a very low day since yesterday was not.  I’m afraid that I am at my set point.  Right?  I must be as I’ve been the same weight - give or take 2 or 3 pounds - for 6 months despite eating in the ball park of 1250 calories.  But so today I’m eating low both because I cannot smell or taste anything and because I’m not hungry.  Oh well one more reason - we’re taking Mom to Olive Garden Monday.  I’ll eat the Minestrone soup (143 calories) and maybe a bowl of salad.  I found out that the Olive Garden Salad is FULL of calories thanks to the dressing I’m sure.  So deceptive.  No wonder Americans can seem to drop weight. 

But for today I’m having a Cedar Lane bean burrito which is yummy, light, hot and organic (260 Cal) and then tonight I’ll have the giant salad (8g spinach, 6 mushrooms, .5 medium cucumber, brewers yeast, braggs aminos and splash of Flax) and 1 cup egg white.  This should round out to about 766 cal but we’ll see after tonight’s crunch.

 On other fronts - great news from California, which in my opinion is the most civilized state in the union, passed a LAW that all dogs and cats shall be spayed/neutered in an effort to reduce animal overpopulation.  There are parts of the law that allow for LICENSED breeders to breed.  Also, all service and show dogs will be allowed to stay in-tact.  I can see the potential problems with this, mainly that acquiring a license will be much too easy.  I’ve read a few articles that claim the law only mandates non-purebreds be altered but this couldn’t be the case and furthermore, when I read the law it didn’t seem to hint at anything like that.  The hunters will be furious. The puppymill breeders will be incensed.  I think it’s about time.  In my county alone - just Knox County in TN at ONE shelter, 11,000 dogs, cats, puppies and kittens were euthanized for no other reason than a lack of space and no home.  This doesn’t include the old, sick and aggressive animals who were destroyed for obvious reasons. 

 I’ll have to post some links about it but not right now.

THere is no hunger though and that’s good.  When I get home I can get chopping on the cucumber, mushroom and other veggies I have hoarded in the fridge for the GIANT SALAD.  ALso, I think I’m slowly beginning to enjoy most veggies raw and cold - like asparagus.  If I steam it one day I’m very happy to eat it cold the next.  Geez I can’t wait to go home and to nestle in with Scotty and the dogs.